Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
