get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
