I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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