I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
