I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
