His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
