just come out here and I will go home with you...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
