Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
