Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
