Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
