2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
