I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Small penises have feelings too.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
