i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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