What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
