yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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