if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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