weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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