I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
