you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
