I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
