there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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