Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
