Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
