Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
