My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
