Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
