The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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