I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
