So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
