his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
