I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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