I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
