I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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