The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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