i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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