I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize