She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
