I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
