Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
