bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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