i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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