Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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