you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
