I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
