So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
