I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
