She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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