When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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