I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
