I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
3 2 1 whiskey
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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