I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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