May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
