I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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