I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
