I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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