just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
