I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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