70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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