Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
