someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
