Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
