Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
