she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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