the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
