I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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