also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
