If that was your dad, he is hot
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize