In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
